Sunday Breadtime Stories

Might make this a weekly blog post series, we'll see. Guess it'll depend on how often I make bread.

I’ve been wanting to get back into baking my own breads.  I haven’t really made any since I lived in Germany and that was a while back. 

I started this Sunday with an easy bread recipe.  Or so I thought.  Making bread is hard work, heh.

I followed this recipe. I mean, it says it’s the BEST bread.  Plus the pictures look like bread I want to eat.  I gave it two rounds, the first, per the bloggers suggestions; I used white wheat flour for 3 cups of the flour.  Not sure what went wrong, but it did not rise like it was really supposed to and did not come out nearly as fluffy as the pictures look in the original blog post.  I also used honey instead of sugar.  The directions say to divide the dough into thirds, roll it out, roll it up, and put it in the baking dish.  Here’s the first go round:

With the addition of the white wheat flower and honey, it was very dense and had that typical homemade bread taste.

For the second round, I used solely all purpose flour and sugar instead of the honey.  I also only divided it in half.  The in process dough looked a lot more like the pictures the original blogger showed, which made me happy.  And the cut bread looks more like what I wanted and definitely less dense.  I mean, it’s still dense, but it’s much better.  Here’s the second go round:

All in all, I would not say it’s the BEST bread as claimed.  It could also be baker error.  The second version tasted much better than the first.  It is definitely an easy bread to play and experiment with.

Back at it again...

So when I found out I was pregnant, I had just finished week 6 of 9 of C25k (Couch to 5k for those not in the know), week 9 being, run a 5k.  The doctor basically told me that now was not the time to complete a 5k and suggested I stop.  Being the good patient that I am and wanting the best for my situation, I did.

So less than a week after feeling "back to normal" after the miscarriage, I've started C25k again.  I hate doing things twice, so I wasn't about to start completely over.  I read through the descriptions of each week and decided, that after not doing it for a few weeks (4-5, not sure exactly) that week 4 seemed like a good place to start over.  And it was.  I didn't feel lie dying.  I didn't have to stop.  I didn't get any leg cramps.  It just worked.

The first day made me feel like I should have started at week 5.  However, day 2 of week 4 convinced me that I started at the right place.  I finished week 4 yesterday and started week 5 today.  I'm going to take a break tomorrow and continue Saturday.

Having the goal of completing a 5k is kind of awesome.  Getting through each day of the training is very empowering.  The C25k program is very doable, especially for someone like me who has NEVER run before.  I keep looking for blogs by people who are more like me, but all I can find is, "I use to run track and haven't in a while so I did C25k, it was great!"  I've never found, "I've been overweight my entire life and have never, ever, run before C25k and now I'm a runner!"  I want that second case to be me.

C25k has also allowed me to reconnect with older friends that I haven't talked to in a while.  It generally starts with, "How's the program going?" but sometimes goes in different directions.  I learned recently that an old college friend is going through some of the same stuff I am.  Although, I think her road has been tougher.  It's amazing how she doesn't really see it that way.  I was shocked when she said she was glad that these things were happening to her because it would make her a better mother.  Never in my life would I want to go through this.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  But it's great to hear her perspective and see that she sees her situation as an opportunity to learn.

While I do agree that the difficulties with fertility have definitely made me think twice about a lot of things, definitely made me aware of some changes that I needed to make in myself (eating better, generally taking better care of myself, cutting out the crap and chemicals in every day product use, and exercise) and  helped to form some friendships that probably would not have developed so far otherwise, I still would not have wanted this.  I still don't want this.

So right now, my goal is to finish C25k, improve on speed (cause I'm snail like), and hopefully run an official 5k before my birthday. That gives me around two months to get my shit together.

Today,

I just want to give up.

What makes this harder...

is that most people don't understand what we're going through and just how hard it is.

Infertility is not a problem you can see.  Most people don't even know you're hurting.  They have no clue the loss and heartache you feel, unless they have been through it too.

Since telling close friends and family about the first miscarriage and afterwards, I've gotten a lot of comments like, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant, that's positive!" or "So-and-so had a miscarriage and got pregnant again a month later and now has a healthy baby boy." or "You should talk to my friend, so-and-so, they had infertility problems and not have 5 kids."  Just FYI, these things are not helpful.

Yes, I can get pregnant, I even did it twice.  But still, there are not positive outcomes.  I don't want to talk to your friend, obviously things are different for us.

To make this even harder, with this second miscarriage, I've gotten the feeling that my parents have written me off.  It's almost like, "Oh, you can't have kids?  We'll just throw ourselves into the children that CAN produce grandchildren, and just forget about your pain and suffering."  I had a feeling this was coming when a few years ago, shortly after the first grandkid popped out, they decided that they would only buy the grandkids Christmas presents.  I tried telling them that my dog was their oldest grandkid, just so I didn't feel left out, but that didn't' fly.

I know that they must be hurting too and I'm hoping that they just don't know how to deal either.  I've never had the kind of relationship with my parents where we're all emotional and can talk about stuff.  When I moved to Illinois the first time and found out that none of my coats really counted as a winter coat, I called home asking for a little help.  My mom flat out told me that it was my choice to move there and I had to deal. Dad on the other hand will do what ever he can to help us out when we're in need.  And right now I need my parents, but I don't know how they can help.

The day after my official second miscarriage, all I wanted was for my parents to find a way to come see me.  We were supposed to go to Mississippi earlier that week, but due to all the complications, and threat of bleeding out, the doctors didn't' want me to travel.  I just wanted to feel like they cared enough about my situation to come be with me.

With everything going on, it's hard not to vent on Facebook.  Ed did make a comment and my mom called to ask about it.  I told her things just sucked right now.  And I don't know if it was because she is hurting too (it's hard to tell, she just seemed so insensitive), but she kind of snapped at me and said that things couldn't possibly be that bad.

For a while now, I've just wanted to be with family, to have a support system (Ed is wonderful, really the greatest, but he needs support too).  But now I just don't know anymore.  I'm just...sad.

This has been...

the worst summer (emotionally/mentally and in general) I've ever had.

After our first miscarriage, I never felt like I actually healed from it.  I still cried a lot about it and just felt like I never finished mourning it.

Then I got pregnant again.

This time my numbers went up almost like they were supposed to and I was almost hopeful that things would turn out ok.  When the brown spotting started I really began to worry.  So much that I broke out in a rash all over my neck and across my brow.  Everyone told me that was normal, and because my numbers were still going up, that I shouldn't worry too much.

At about 6 weeks, I had just one spot of dark red blood, so they had me come in for an ultrasound.  They said it was still too early to see much.  I saw the gestational sac, but they couldn't tell if there was anything in it, so they just sent me home with orders for more blood work and to call back if there was any more red blood.

The brown spotting continued for another week and then there was more red.  Went in for another ultrasound and the sac had gotten larger and was on track...but there was nothing in it.  They began to wonder if maybe the pregnancy was in my tubes, but after a more in depth ultrasound, they couldn't find anything.

When I talked to the doctor, they said it was a missed miscarriage, something I've read about but never really understood, until now.

If you don't know, a missed miscarriage is when everything progresses almost as normal, but there is no viable pregnancy.  If you don't miscarry on your own, you have to make yourself.  They gave me a couple options, surgery - a D&C - where they surgically remove part of the uterine lining so that you miscarry or meds.

Because I've heard that the surgery can cause scarring and other complications that could prohibit future pregnancies, we chose the medicine route.  Of course there are downsides to the med route as well. But after discussing it together and with the doctor, that's just what we chose.

It was really difficult going into this appointment, knowing we'd be coming out with the means to end this pregnancy.  Even harder was watching the happy couple leave from their appointment with a picture of their ultrasound and healthy baby.  Even knowing that they have struggled (they would't be at this doctor is they hadn't) didn't take away the pain and jealousy I felt when I saw them leave.

When we had the consultation with the doctor, he prescribed the drug cocktail (one to make the miscarriage happen, one to make the nausea go away, and enough Vicodin for a week).  Evidently they expect this to be painful...and it was.  I don't know if I'll ever get the opportunity to feel what real child birth felt like, but I image that the pain from this wasn't too far off.  If the Vicodin was supposed to make me feel better, it did not, same with the nausea medication, I still barfed a couple times.

And now I sit here, with an empty hole inside of me.  Almost healed (as in the bleeding is finally coming to a stop), but there is this deep dark hole, that I don't know if it will ever go away or be able to be filled.  I came about with the first miscarriage and this second one has just made it bigger.  I've been trying to fill it, trying to make myself forget (and Ed has been amazing with helping me keep my mind off of it), but no matter what, when things start to calm down, and I don't have much to do or I'm alone, the ache comes back, the whole deepens and I just cry.

I try to limit crying to bath time.  But sometimes it just creeps up on me, just the slightest reminder of what I'm going through.  For example, today I had to get my blood drawn to make sure my numbers are going down like they're supposed to, and walking back to the car it just hit me, and I started crying.

I don't know how to make it stop.  It makes me tired, angry, bitter, jealous of those for whom all of this is so easy, and very intolerant of others who take their children for granted.  Every time I see a super pregnant woman or a newborn the hole gets a little darker.

The hardest part of alll of it, is not knowing if we'll ever get our happy ending.  Not knowing if I will ever be able to successfully carry a healthy baby to term.  The not knowing is just as bad, if not worse than the miscarriages themselves.

Fat is now a disease?

I read this article today about how the American Medical Association has now labeled being fat as a “disease.”  As someone who has battled weight their whole lives, this part angers me and I partially understand it.

Here’s the thing though, not everyone is overweight because they eat tons of crappy food.  I’m not going to put all the blame on someone else for my weight, but everyone is different.  My whole family has struggled with weight issues.  I don’t think that’s because we all eat crap.  I think some of those studies that say that it’s in your genes is true.

However, I am not saying that that is a reason to just let yourself go.  If it’s in your genes, then you have to work extra hard not to be overweight.  And for some people, that may just be too hard.  I’ve had a lot going on in the last couple of year.  Lots of stress.  And even though I’ve been working out and trying to eat better (more organic, all natural foods), it’s still really hard.  When you add not being able to find a fulfilling job, the stresses of infertility and miscarriage, and then you add weight/health on top of that.  It’s rough.

If you’ve read my post about going to the nutritionist, you probably know that the reason I haven’t been able to lose weight is because I don’t eat enough.  When I’m exercising, I do eat more, which is good.  But it’s still not enough.  I’ve also had difficulty following the meal plan I was given.  It’s enough food, I get full, but it’s so unsatisfying.  Not something I can do long term.

A lot of what this article says is true.  Every time I go to the doctor for any reason, they attribute the problems I have to my weight.  The only thing doctors see is that I’m over weight.  In fact, the first time I had a good blood work up, my doctor was extremely surprised at how healthy I am.  She asked me to come in when the results were there so we could discuss it, because she was expecting something awful.  When I got there she was shocked when she first looked at the results.  When I enquired why she wasn’t saying anything, but instead looking back and forth from me to the results, I said to her, “You’re wondering why I’m fat, aren’t you?”  She smiled shyly and said that the blood work just didn’t seem possible for someone my weight and that it was one of the healthiest she had seen.

I wish that doctors wouldn’t dismiss other possibilities and stop just focusing on the fact that I’m overweight.  Obviously, I’m working on that.

Now, I said I partially understood the article.  While there are many factors that come into play as to why a person is overweight, some of it simply is that people eat too much.  I know I’ve had problems in the past that still sometimes sneak up on me, such as sitting down and eating until I feel gross.  I do think there can be food addictions.  I think I’m addicted to sugar.  I get very easily frustrated if I don’t have some for a while.  At the same time though, I’m learning to cut back, eat less, and eat more naturally sweetened/organic things in the place of nasty, chemical filled foods.

I also think that this is just something else for the industry to make money on.

So I've...

turned into an old man.

Not really.  But I’ve started taking so many vitamins, that I have to have one of those old man, take your pill, vitamin/pill organizers.  Before I got it, I wasn’t taking all my vitamins like I should have been.  Keep in mind though; I hadn’t (and still haven’t) gotten them all yet.  Lacking two, come on Amazon.com!

What am I taking and why am I taking so many vitamins?  Here’s the list.

Rainbow Light, Certified Organics, Prenatal Multivitamin:  No I’m not pregnant (read previous posts).  According to the last two doctors I’ve seen, women who want to get pregnant should already be on a prenatal.  Even though this is a multivitamin, it is not a one-a-day.  Meaning I have to take 3-4 of them a day.  But they have all the suggested amounts and correct vitamins and minerals.  It just about covers all the bases.

B-Complex with Vitamin C:  Even though the prenatal has a lot of the B’s in it, it was still recommended that I add the B-Complex.  I’m a vegetarian and just don’t get enough. 

Flaxseed Oil and Fish Oil: mmmmm omega 3’s.  Even though they are both Omega 3’s, they have different content.  Both recommended, so cheers to oil!

The next few are all to maximize fertility.

Wheat Grass:  Great for fertility, contains more Folic Acid and fights a lot of the problems that can cause infertility.

Evening Primrose Oil:  Also great for women who are not trying to get pregnant.  Supposed to do wonders for your skin.  But also helps the uterus when trying to conceive.

These next ones are supposed to really give your fertility a kick.  We shall see what happens. 

Royal Jelly

DHA

L-Arginine

Chaste Berry Extract (or Vitex)

A lot of people swear by the Royal Jelly and also the combination of L-Arginine and Chaste Berry Extract.

The first week I only took the prental and B-Complex.  I felt like I was on crack.  Like, literally.  Obvisouly, I’m not getting something in my diet.  Second week, things started to even out and I started adding the others.  I’m still waiting on the Royal Jelly and DHA.  I might just go get some and screw Amazon.com.

I feel a lot more energized and I can get stuff done now.  I actually do things, instead of just thinking about doing them.  Like…laundry. Heh.  Such big accomplishments.  But I’m feeling more like a person.  Like I can actually do stuff again.  The vitamins, plus continually choosing better foods throughout the day, along with working on Couch 2 5k (C25k…I will be a runner jogger yet!), have really helped and hopefully this will all continue!

Oh and I really like my big, old man, vitamin organizer.

We're going...

green? (ish)

After reading the Making Babies book, I started really thinking about just how many chemicals we are exposed to on a daily basis and if it is actually necessary.  The book tells a lot of how these chemicals can impact fertility and that if you can cut some out, you should try to.

I’m slowly going to weed out a lot of our harsher, more chemical, products as well as try to pair down and live more simply and even organic.

The first thing I decided on doing was giving away my fingernail polish collection.  Yes. Collection.  Over the last two years, I have been a fingernail polish snob and have been collecting both Essie and OPI nail polish.  Even though nail polish (and most things that go along with it) have chemicals in it no matter how natural it is, I have read a lot that says that you can cut some of those chemicals out by using brands that have fewer chemicals.

So I gave the whole collection away and went to Whole Foods and bought three new natural nail polishes, as well as a base- and topcoat (same brand).

We were also running out of body wash, shampoo, and face soap.  I did some (not a lot) of research and have always heard that Dr. Bronner’s has an all in one Castile soap.  It says on the bottle that it has 18 purposes.  It’s interesting, I’ll have to update more thoroughly later.

Before I realized that Dr. Bronner’s could be used for household cleaning, I had bought Mrs. Meyers all-purpose cleaner as well.

So that’s all I’ve done so far.  I’ll give an update as we use the products and find out if we like them or not, as well as any new products we try out.  I’m looking into switching my makeup out, laundry detergent, and any other daily use products.

We’ll see how this all goes down.