blerg

It's just one of those days.  Shoot me now.

Getting over it

So no good news.  We've tried everything within our financial ability and I just need a break.

I've read in a lot of different places that having fertility issues can be compared to losing a loved one. But not just once...every. single. month.

I'm tired of crying (but I can't stop).  I'm tired of it not working out.  I'm tired of wondering what stupid shit I'm going to have to do next.

I feel like I haven't been on this journey very long, but it's been rough.  It's been hard.  And I just feel like a weak person.  I don't know how some people deal with this for so many years, through so many miscarriages, etc.  I'm just not that strong.

We've been not not trying for at least three years and then I have been sort of trying (through tracking), and now this year of really trying.  I'm just not strong enough to endure it.  So I'm/we're going to take a break.  Not sure for how long because it's one of those things that never really leaves your mind, especially when one week out of the month, I'm reminded heavily of it.  But I'm going to try to give it a rest.

In true me fashion, I've been researching to find people in similar situations, that have been able to go on, find a new purpose in life, etc.  I found one woman's story and although inspiring, I still feel like I am a long way from being able to feel like she does, nonetheless, it was inspiring.  So click here and read her story.  She speaks so well to the feelings that I've had and and helps me know that it's ok to feel this way.

Community

So one of our biggest problems with moving all the time, is that we never are able to make a community where we are.  It's hard to meet and get to know people.  And a lot of the time, we spend the weekends home alone.

We thought, when moving to Colorado, that we would be able to make a community faster because we knew some folks here. No dice.

It's really sad when you're new to a place and you get "that" feeling from folks.  They don't really want to hang out with you.

In the last few months, we've met and hung out with a lot of really cool, down to earth folks.  Most of them come from Ed's work. But we've met their friends and significant others and our community is growing.  We're getting to know our neighbors better, which also helps.

So, for the last few months, we've had something to do every. single. weekend.  Sometimes on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  Sometimes twice a day!  It's been nice.  I've never once felt judged or uncomfortable.

I'm really hopeful that we will be able to grow the relationships that we've formed and really be friends with all of these folks.  We even had a few people over to out apartment for Thanksgiving and it felt weirdly like it should.  Probably the best Thanksgiving we've had away from home.