3 years today!

Happy 3rd anniversary to the best husband a girl could ask for.  It's been rough.  Not many people can go through what we've been through and make it out the other side.  But we have.  And I am so thankful I have him by my side!

More results...

Over a week ago, I had a crap load of blood drawn.  Those tests have come back, and good news.  They are normal! And that's probably the only good news we'll hear for a while.  Got my quota in.

The two test results that we were waiting on were for blood chromosome and hyper-coagulation.  So neither of us carry some weird chromosome problem and I don't have any blood coagulation problems. Woot woot!  

That leaves our only problem being my very old eggs.  How they got so old so fast?  Who the fuck knows.

Fertility Update

So we’ve had a lot going on lately with my parents visiting (I had not seen them in over a year and a half).  But we did manage to get some tests and doctors visits in while they were here and shortly after they left.

Backing up a little bit to the end of July.  I went in for a scheduled Hysterosalpingogram (HSG).  This is an x-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there are no obstructions, uterus shape problems, no blockage.  Basically to make sure everything is like it’s supposed to be.

A lot of folks say this is scary and it hurts.  It was scary, but afterwards I realized there was nothing to be scared about.  It did hurt a little, but not worse than normal period cramps. 

My RE talked through the whole thing and explained what we were seeing as my uterus and tubes filled with dye.  It was interesting to see.

Fast-forward to this last two weeks, I had a phone consult, we ordered more blood work (7 ginormous vials of blood were taken).   Yesterday, we finally had a consult to discuss some of the blood work and the HSG.  The HSG was not much to worry about.  I do have a dip in the top of my uterus.  I can have surgery to smooth that out, but it is not necessary unless perfectly healthy babies start dying in my womb.  We also discussed one of my tests that came back.

This test was a repeat.  Back in June we tested my Anti-Müllerian hormone (AMH).  Normal is anything 1.5 and above.  Mine was a .65.  So not good.  The new test results were worse, .22.

My RE is still positive that we can have a successful pregnancy, but believes that it would be best to take Clomid again to increase the chances of releasing a healthy egg and hoping that a healthy egg gets fertilized.

It seems, from what I’ve read about others experiences, that once you have such a low AMH, the next step is IVF.  But since I don’t have problems getting pregnant and because I ovulate regularly with a regular cycle, the RE isn’t keen on IVF yet.

A part of yesterday’s consult, I had another ultrasound in which they just checked for cysts or any other abnormalities before starting Clomid.  We did get to see the egg that would be released this ovulation cycle, so that was kind of cool.  Would be awesome if something came of it.

The doctor side of all this is tough enough, but it all comes with the mental and emotional parts that are just so hard to deal with sometimes.

Ever have those days..

where you just feel broken?  I'm having one of those today.  I think it might be because of the upcoming possible opportunities to fix what I've always felt was broken in me.  A job, a career, etc.

We're coming up on the end of the waiting period after my last miscarriage.  As much as I want to try again, I'm terrified that if/when I do become pregnant again, that I will miscarry...again.  It also doesn't help that I keep finding out about sooo many people who are due right around when my last one was supposed to be due.

Also, my dream job has become available here.  It's probably a fat chance that I'll get it.  But just the pressure of applying for it and doing everything perfectly, and then being denied. Again.  Being told that I am not good enough...again...it's just painful.

I start getting these feelings every year about this time, and they just increase until my birthday, when, another year has gone by and nothing that I've dreamed for and strived for all the previous year has happened. No job; can't afford a house; no babies because for some reason my body is broken; can't lose weight because I'm just too broken to stick with anything.

I have started having little mini panic attacks wondering if any of my dreams will ever come true or if I'll forever be left wanting.

October...

It's my birthday month, y'all!