Due Date

I’d almost forgotten about what was supposed to happen this week.  I knew it was coming, but I think I tried to put it out of my head.  Then I remembered.

Today was supposed to be my due date.  That means that we should have been preparing a nursery, a hospital bag, getting ready to welcome a new member to the family.  Obviously that isn’t happening.  Instead, we face the fact that we may never have biological children.

It’s funny.  I had a dream last night that I was taking care of my nephew, who was in the middle of potty training.  He was wearing real underpants and kept peeing all over everything.  There were no diapers to be found.  My dad yelled at me because I wasn’t prepared and asked me why I didn’t have a diaper for the kid.  He reminded me that those are things you have to remember when you have kids.  I snapped at him, telling him that wasn’t something I had to worry about because I couldn't have children.

It’s hard to see pregnant folks.  It’s hard to watch the way some people parent and know that you would do it differently, if you only had the chance.  It’s really hard to listen to people complain about their children.  I want to scream at them that at least they can have children.

We’ve actually learned a lot since my first miscarriage.  Basically that my body hates me and that I’ll probably never be able to have kids.  Or more specifically I have DOR (diminished ovarian reserve).  Which mean that I have fewer eggs than the normal fertile lady and when you have fewer, the chances of getting a good one is slim. 

Some how, I hold out hope that one day a good one will be ready and everything will work out.  But it hurts so bad to think about it.

Today just kind of hurts.  And the sad thing is, we have to go through all these feelings again in two months.