So currently I have seven job applications out. Some part time, some full time, all at colleges or universities, all in the fields of study abroad, international student services, or German, all of which I am highly interested in. now, if I could just get one of said jobs. Preferably one that is full time. Or two part time jobs.I just need a job that doesn't make me feel like my life is worthless. I reuse to work at McDonalds, but If i don't get a real job soon, I'm going to have to start applying to similar places.
I just really need a job...so I can stop hating myself, so I can stop feeling worthless, so we can pay our bills, and most importantly so I can stop going through these phases of being mad at Ed for taking me away from my first real job. Even though working in Vicksburg was not ideal, it still made me feel like I was making a difference. Like I had a purpose in life.
I always feel like we could have made Vicksburg work. We had planned at one point to possibly live there. I mean, I even did a little house hunting. Ed was going to move there and get certified to teach history and business. We would have been two working teachers (probably by now) and maybe on the serious house hunt. We could have been more serious about house hunting...houses there, really cute ones in decent neighborhoods, were cheap. We could seriously be trying to have babies.
Sometimes I feel like Ed took this little life plan/dream away from me. It's days like today that I feel this way. When job applications are awful and I get pissed that I'm having to fill so many out without any hope of actually getting the job.
At the time, and sometimes we regret moving here, but he thought it was the best option. I mean, I was going through a lot and told him anything that got me out of Vicksburg would be great. But those were things I said because I thought that's what he wanted to hear. I'll never know if I would have truly felt that way because I had so many extenuating circumstances that were affecting how I felt about the whole experience. For example: 1) I was living away form my husband. 2) Living conditions were never ideal, I was living with a family, that although very accepting, just didn't feel right. Then I moved in with a fellow teacher and that didn't quite work out as expected, although better because I was no longer commuting. 3) For the first half of the year I was commuting 45 min one way. 4) I didn't have any of MY things with me. No books, half my clothes, no ironing board, no dishes, nothing that was really my own. And you don't want to buy things because you actually do have them, just not in the state with you. Extra frustrating. 5) It was my first real job, and teaching at a Title I school, so having all of the other circumstances in addition just made it super stressful.
So it's hard to say if I would have really hated it at much as I felt like I did at the time. I'm trying to decide what I hate more, that experience or the experience of not knowing if your bills will get back in a few months and you can't make any progress towards you life goals because you don't have a job even though you have a shit ton of education that at this point in your life is more of a burden than actually doing any good. I've got the education to do these jobs, the burden of student loans, the pressure of failing my family, and failing life goals.
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