A Letter to...

all those who produce and sell activewear (actually this is more of a rant).

Dear Folks,

I've been fat my entire life.  I once was thin enough to just go into a store and buy something off the rack.  However, I didn't get that way in a healthy manner.  I know that my being overweight is not your problem and that it is my fault (although I recently found out that it's because I don't eat enough, not of the right things, but in general), but I do believe you can help me.  I've actually written to several of you years ago, asking why you did not have a plus size line (at all and definitely not in store).  I actually got a response from Nike, saying that their marketing team was working on it.  Evidently it didn't pan out, because that was EIGHT years ago.

I'm just wondering, do you not understand how hard it is for us bigger girls to find something decent to work out in.  Oversized t-shirts and baggy pants don't make a person feel good (unless they get that way form weight loss).  Here's a little notion I have learned from my experience in teaching and from my studies on student motivation, if you make a student feel good about themselves, they get motivated, and these generally leads to success, or at least improvement.

See the connection here?  If you produce clothes that us bigger folks can wear and we feel good about ourselves/cute, I can almost guarantee you, that there will be a lot more success stories for weight loss.

So check this out, this is the normal process for buying clothes for me.  Step one: Scour the internet for something decent.  Step two: think about whether or not it might work for my body type.  Step three: go back and forth on whether or not to actually order it.  Step five: decide not to place an order.  Step six: place an order, pay for shipping, and wait not so patiently while the week or more passes until your order arrives.  In the meantime, build up hope and expectations that what you ordered is going to look amazing and make you want to get out the door and go run.  Step seven: receive and open package, try everything on, realize that more than half of it doesn't work, you've either ordered the wrong size, or it just doesn't work, and waste more time and money sending it back and (if you're motivated) reordering more. Step eight: wait another week or more for your reordered goods to arrive.  Maybe something actually worked this time?  By now, at least two, if not three weeks have passed and my motivation is gone and I feel like crap because I couldn't get what I needed because your clothes don't fit my body.  Makes a person sad and unmotivated.

Scenario when I can find a store that always carries my size:  Decide I need something.  Go to store.  Try it on, try one other sizes.  Either buy, or go to the next store.  There's a lot less anticipation and let down in this version.  I've noticed that I seem to be less unhappy about things if I can get some instant knowledge as to whether or not your product will work for me.

I have never understood why companies like Nike and Adidas (and other sports brands) do not have a plus size line.  Just think, a bigger person is a customer longer, they would buy a variety of products. Some people would probably go from a big plus size like a 3x (or bigger) all the way down to like a M/L in your regular sizes. Image how much more money you can make.  A regular size gal might jsut walk in and be like, "Oh, I have all this already" and leave.  A bigger gal is going to be like, "HOLLY SHIT, I need all of this" and spend more money.


You're missing an opportunity here folks.
Fatty trying to lose a pound.

P.S. -  I have found that Old Navy and Lane Bryant do have a decent plus sized activewear line.  However, like most Lane Bryant cloths, you have to be an amazon woman to wear them.


Old Navy's line is much better and I have purchased quite a few items from their line: 5 or more cotton/spandex shirts, two pair of shorts (same style/color, different sizes), two pair of capris (same style/color, different sizes), and three compression/built in sports bra tops.

Before buying these clothes, I always felt like butt when I worked out.  I'd wear a T-shirt that would show my gut when I raised my arms and baggy shorts.  I felt like crap and couldn't stay motivated.

Now that I've bought these clothes, I've stayed more motivated and have almost completed the C25k program with plans to keep running, and have also lost over 20 pounds.  I still have a long way to go, but it's a start.  I feel better about myself and love that I don't have to worry about looking like a walmart rag-a-muffin when I'm trying to make my fat cry.

P.S.S.- Dear Old Navy,
Please get some more activewear styles and colors.  Also, work on those sports bras. Is anyway actually buying those?

Meal Plan Woes...

I've never been adventurous with with.  I've usually been ok eating the same thing, over, and over, and over, again.  But when I started this meal plan that the nutritionist gave us back in February, it got boring quick.

First, I wasn't use to eating so much and second, how do you fit all that in, under calories, and meat all the requirements listed...and still have variety? As a vegetarian...a bad vegetarian (I am not a fan of tofu and I hate mushrooms).

So here's what I'm working with (it's a total of 15 pages, but I am only including the ones that are relevant to me).

This is a 1200 calorie meal plan, as you can see at the top, the dietician dropped me to 1100.  You can also see some of the other notes, like under II, I'm doing option B and at the bottom under big B, I'm doing two supplements.

I have done some experimenting and have found that the Cystosport has fewer calories and more protein, so that's the one that we use.

I'm a vegetarian, that cuts out most of this stuff.

Where do you fit dairy in??

So far, my solution to this has been....

over and over again, with some variation in fruits and vegetables.

I'm bored with it and will never be able to continue to eat this way. HELP!


Edit:
I will eat eggs, dairy, and some seafood.  I've been trying to eat less processed foods in general, so trying to stay away from the boca burgers, although that's my go-to right now.

I will try just about any veggie, but these are the ones I've been eating and liking:

spinach

artichoke/hearts

bamboo shoots

broccoli

cabbage

carrots

cauliflower

celery

cucumber

eggplant

onions of any kind

greens

red bell peppers

salad greens

spinach

sprouts of any kind

summer squash

swiss chard

tomatoes

and from the limit-it list:

corn

potatoes

sweet potatoes

And I'm working on liking these:

asparagus

brussel sprouts

But, in the spirit of eating clean and healthy, I'm willing to try anything (but not mushrooms)!

10 years ago this month...

I met the most amazing person I have ever met.  This week (we’re not sure of the exact date, but it was a –teenth), 10 years ago, Ed and I started dating.

I don’t remember much about the night we met.  I do remember that he was the most respectful guy I had ever met in college.  I had just returned from a more than a yearlong stay in Germany.  I was thin, had really short hair, and a crazy dark tan.  I was visiting one of my best friends who was staying with her boyfriend at his fraternity house over the summer.  We were in their room and I heard someone come through the main hall entrance.  Since the fraternity was pretty small, I knew just about everyone so I stuck my head out to see who was there.

I saw this really cute guy walk to the T in the hall.  I didn’t know him, so I went back in the room.  Moments later, he was there introducing himself.  At some point that day/night we took a picture together (we may have had a few).  Ed tells the story a little differently, but you’d have to ask him for his version.

Sorry for the crappy quality, it's a picture of a picture.

I still have this picture framed in our bedroom.

We ended up staying up til the wee hours of the morning just talking.  That was something I had never done before (I’ve never been much of a talker).  A week later, I was riding with him from Jackson, MS to Champaign, IL so that he could help his family move.  A week or so after that, we were dating.

We went back to IL (Chicago) not long after that first trip, maybe in October? December? Not real sure.  I just remember that he had a little too much to drink and he asked me to marry him.  I told him to hush, that he was drunk.  He told me that he would remember this tomorrow.

The next morning, he grinned at me and said that he remembered what he had asked.

Our life together has had some rough spots.  We’ve been through a lot of loss and heartache.  But we’ve always been there for each other.  He has always been there for me. 

Most couples would not have survived some of the rough times that we have been through.  We’ve lived apart several times to further our educations and also for work.  Ed lost his father right before I moved to Mississippi to teach.  We both have family issues to work through.  We struggle financially because I can never get a job where Ed gets one.  And now, on top of all our other pains, we’re dealing with back-to-back miscarriages and the pain and heartache that comes with that.  We continue to be under a tremendous amount of stress that never seems to let up.

Through it all, there is no one I would rather have by my side. 

I could never put into words, just how much I love this boy and how much he means to me.  I would be completely lost without him.  He understands me.  He gets me.  He knows when my crying is from hurt or anger.  He is the only person who has always been there for me, no matter what, even when he was hurting too.  I feel like the luckiest person in the world when I'm with him.

So to the first ten years, the next ten years, and many more!

I love you Bottom!

Sunday Breadtime Stories

Might make this a weekly blog post series, we'll see. Guess it'll depend on how often I make bread.

I’ve been wanting to get back into baking my own breads.  I haven’t really made any since I lived in Germany and that was a while back. 

I started this Sunday with an easy bread recipe.  Or so I thought.  Making bread is hard work, heh.

I followed this recipe. I mean, it says it’s the BEST bread.  Plus the pictures look like bread I want to eat.  I gave it two rounds, the first, per the bloggers suggestions; I used white wheat flour for 3 cups of the flour.  Not sure what went wrong, but it did not rise like it was really supposed to and did not come out nearly as fluffy as the pictures look in the original blog post.  I also used honey instead of sugar.  The directions say to divide the dough into thirds, roll it out, roll it up, and put it in the baking dish.  Here’s the first go round:

With the addition of the white wheat flower and honey, it was very dense and had that typical homemade bread taste.

For the second round, I used solely all purpose flour and sugar instead of the honey.  I also only divided it in half.  The in process dough looked a lot more like the pictures the original blogger showed, which made me happy.  And the cut bread looks more like what I wanted and definitely less dense.  I mean, it’s still dense, but it’s much better.  Here’s the second go round:

All in all, I would not say it’s the BEST bread as claimed.  It could also be baker error.  The second version tasted much better than the first.  It is definitely an easy bread to play and experiment with.

Back at it again...

So when I found out I was pregnant, I had just finished week 6 of 9 of C25k (Couch to 5k for those not in the know), week 9 being, run a 5k.  The doctor basically told me that now was not the time to complete a 5k and suggested I stop.  Being the good patient that I am and wanting the best for my situation, I did.

So less than a week after feeling "back to normal" after the miscarriage, I've started C25k again.  I hate doing things twice, so I wasn't about to start completely over.  I read through the descriptions of each week and decided, that after not doing it for a few weeks (4-5, not sure exactly) that week 4 seemed like a good place to start over.  And it was.  I didn't feel lie dying.  I didn't have to stop.  I didn't get any leg cramps.  It just worked.

The first day made me feel like I should have started at week 5.  However, day 2 of week 4 convinced me that I started at the right place.  I finished week 4 yesterday and started week 5 today.  I'm going to take a break tomorrow and continue Saturday.

Having the goal of completing a 5k is kind of awesome.  Getting through each day of the training is very empowering.  The C25k program is very doable, especially for someone like me who has NEVER run before.  I keep looking for blogs by people who are more like me, but all I can find is, "I use to run track and haven't in a while so I did C25k, it was great!"  I've never found, "I've been overweight my entire life and have never, ever, run before C25k and now I'm a runner!"  I want that second case to be me.

C25k has also allowed me to reconnect with older friends that I haven't talked to in a while.  It generally starts with, "How's the program going?" but sometimes goes in different directions.  I learned recently that an old college friend is going through some of the same stuff I am.  Although, I think her road has been tougher.  It's amazing how she doesn't really see it that way.  I was shocked when she said she was glad that these things were happening to her because it would make her a better mother.  Never in my life would I want to go through this.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  But it's great to hear her perspective and see that she sees her situation as an opportunity to learn.

While I do agree that the difficulties with fertility have definitely made me think twice about a lot of things, definitely made me aware of some changes that I needed to make in myself (eating better, generally taking better care of myself, cutting out the crap and chemicals in every day product use, and exercise) and  helped to form some friendships that probably would not have developed so far otherwise, I still would not have wanted this.  I still don't want this.

So right now, my goal is to finish C25k, improve on speed (cause I'm snail like), and hopefully run an official 5k before my birthday. That gives me around two months to get my shit together.

Today,

I just want to give up.

What makes this harder...

is that most people don't understand what we're going through and just how hard it is.

Infertility is not a problem you can see.  Most people don't even know you're hurting.  They have no clue the loss and heartache you feel, unless they have been through it too.

Since telling close friends and family about the first miscarriage and afterwards, I've gotten a lot of comments like, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant, that's positive!" or "So-and-so had a miscarriage and got pregnant again a month later and now has a healthy baby boy." or "You should talk to my friend, so-and-so, they had infertility problems and not have 5 kids."  Just FYI, these things are not helpful.

Yes, I can get pregnant, I even did it twice.  But still, there are not positive outcomes.  I don't want to talk to your friend, obviously things are different for us.

To make this even harder, with this second miscarriage, I've gotten the feeling that my parents have written me off.  It's almost like, "Oh, you can't have kids?  We'll just throw ourselves into the children that CAN produce grandchildren, and just forget about your pain and suffering."  I had a feeling this was coming when a few years ago, shortly after the first grandkid popped out, they decided that they would only buy the grandkids Christmas presents.  I tried telling them that my dog was their oldest grandkid, just so I didn't feel left out, but that didn't' fly.

I know that they must be hurting too and I'm hoping that they just don't know how to deal either.  I've never had the kind of relationship with my parents where we're all emotional and can talk about stuff.  When I moved to Illinois the first time and found out that none of my coats really counted as a winter coat, I called home asking for a little help.  My mom flat out told me that it was my choice to move there and I had to deal. Dad on the other hand will do what ever he can to help us out when we're in need.  And right now I need my parents, but I don't know how they can help.

The day after my official second miscarriage, all I wanted was for my parents to find a way to come see me.  We were supposed to go to Mississippi earlier that week, but due to all the complications, and threat of bleeding out, the doctors didn't' want me to travel.  I just wanted to feel like they cared enough about my situation to come be with me.

With everything going on, it's hard not to vent on Facebook.  Ed did make a comment and my mom called to ask about it.  I told her things just sucked right now.  And I don't know if it was because she is hurting too (it's hard to tell, she just seemed so insensitive), but she kind of snapped at me and said that things couldn't possibly be that bad.

For a while now, I've just wanted to be with family, to have a support system (Ed is wonderful, really the greatest, but he needs support too).  But now I just don't know anymore.  I'm just...sad.

This has been...

the worst summer (emotionally/mentally and in general) I've ever had.

After our first miscarriage, I never felt like I actually healed from it.  I still cried a lot about it and just felt like I never finished mourning it.

Then I got pregnant again.

This time my numbers went up almost like they were supposed to and I was almost hopeful that things would turn out ok.  When the brown spotting started I really began to worry.  So much that I broke out in a rash all over my neck and across my brow.  Everyone told me that was normal, and because my numbers were still going up, that I shouldn't worry too much.

At about 6 weeks, I had just one spot of dark red blood, so they had me come in for an ultrasound.  They said it was still too early to see much.  I saw the gestational sac, but they couldn't tell if there was anything in it, so they just sent me home with orders for more blood work and to call back if there was any more red blood.

The brown spotting continued for another week and then there was more red.  Went in for another ultrasound and the sac had gotten larger and was on track...but there was nothing in it.  They began to wonder if maybe the pregnancy was in my tubes, but after a more in depth ultrasound, they couldn't find anything.

When I talked to the doctor, they said it was a missed miscarriage, something I've read about but never really understood, until now.

If you don't know, a missed miscarriage is when everything progresses almost as normal, but there is no viable pregnancy.  If you don't miscarry on your own, you have to make yourself.  They gave me a couple options, surgery - a D&C - where they surgically remove part of the uterine lining so that you miscarry or meds.

Because I've heard that the surgery can cause scarring and other complications that could prohibit future pregnancies, we chose the medicine route.  Of course there are downsides to the med route as well. But after discussing it together and with the doctor, that's just what we chose.

It was really difficult going into this appointment, knowing we'd be coming out with the means to end this pregnancy.  Even harder was watching the happy couple leave from their appointment with a picture of their ultrasound and healthy baby.  Even knowing that they have struggled (they would't be at this doctor is they hadn't) didn't take away the pain and jealousy I felt when I saw them leave.

When we had the consultation with the doctor, he prescribed the drug cocktail (one to make the miscarriage happen, one to make the nausea go away, and enough Vicodin for a week).  Evidently they expect this to be painful...and it was.  I don't know if I'll ever get the opportunity to feel what real child birth felt like, but I image that the pain from this wasn't too far off.  If the Vicodin was supposed to make me feel better, it did not, same with the nausea medication, I still barfed a couple times.

And now I sit here, with an empty hole inside of me.  Almost healed (as in the bleeding is finally coming to a stop), but there is this deep dark hole, that I don't know if it will ever go away or be able to be filled.  I came about with the first miscarriage and this second one has just made it bigger.  I've been trying to fill it, trying to make myself forget (and Ed has been amazing with helping me keep my mind off of it), but no matter what, when things start to calm down, and I don't have much to do or I'm alone, the ache comes back, the whole deepens and I just cry.

I try to limit crying to bath time.  But sometimes it just creeps up on me, just the slightest reminder of what I'm going through.  For example, today I had to get my blood drawn to make sure my numbers are going down like they're supposed to, and walking back to the car it just hit me, and I started crying.

I don't know how to make it stop.  It makes me tired, angry, bitter, jealous of those for whom all of this is so easy, and very intolerant of others who take their children for granted.  Every time I see a super pregnant woman or a newborn the hole gets a little darker.

The hardest part of alll of it, is not knowing if we'll ever get our happy ending.  Not knowing if I will ever be able to successfully carry a healthy baby to term.  The not knowing is just as bad, if not worse than the miscarriages themselves.