blerg

It's just one of those days.  Shoot me now.

Getting over it

So no good news.  We've tried everything within our financial ability and I just need a break.

I've read in a lot of different places that having fertility issues can be compared to losing a loved one. But not just once...every. single. month.

I'm tired of crying (but I can't stop).  I'm tired of it not working out.  I'm tired of wondering what stupid shit I'm going to have to do next.

I feel like I haven't been on this journey very long, but it's been rough.  It's been hard.  And I just feel like a weak person.  I don't know how some people deal with this for so many years, through so many miscarriages, etc.  I'm just not that strong.

We've been not not trying for at least three years and then I have been sort of trying (through tracking), and now this year of really trying.  I'm just not strong enough to endure it.  So I'm/we're going to take a break.  Not sure for how long because it's one of those things that never really leaves your mind, especially when one week out of the month, I'm reminded heavily of it.  But I'm going to try to give it a rest.

In true me fashion, I've been researching to find people in similar situations, that have been able to go on, find a new purpose in life, etc.  I found one woman's story and although inspiring, I still feel like I am a long way from being able to feel like she does, nonetheless, it was inspiring.  So click here and read her story.  She speaks so well to the feelings that I've had and and helps me know that it's ok to feel this way.

Community

So one of our biggest problems with moving all the time, is that we never are able to make a community where we are.  It's hard to meet and get to know people.  And a lot of the time, we spend the weekends home alone.

We thought, when moving to Colorado, that we would be able to make a community faster because we knew some folks here. No dice.

It's really sad when you're new to a place and you get "that" feeling from folks.  They don't really want to hang out with you.

In the last few months, we've met and hung out with a lot of really cool, down to earth folks.  Most of them come from Ed's work. But we've met their friends and significant others and our community is growing.  We're getting to know our neighbors better, which also helps.

So, for the last few months, we've had something to do every. single. weekend.  Sometimes on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  Sometimes twice a day!  It's been nice.  I've never once felt judged or uncomfortable.

I'm really hopeful that we will be able to grow the relationships that we've formed and really be friends with all of these folks.  We even had a few people over to out apartment for Thanksgiving and it felt weirdly like it should.  Probably the best Thanksgiving we've had away from home.

3 years today!

Happy 3rd anniversary to the best husband a girl could ask for.  It's been rough.  Not many people can go through what we've been through and make it out the other side.  But we have.  And I am so thankful I have him by my side!

More results...

Over a week ago, I had a crap load of blood drawn.  Those tests have come back, and good news.  They are normal! And that's probably the only good news we'll hear for a while.  Got my quota in.

The two test results that we were waiting on were for blood chromosome and hyper-coagulation.  So neither of us carry some weird chromosome problem and I don't have any blood coagulation problems. Woot woot!  

That leaves our only problem being my very old eggs.  How they got so old so fast?  Who the fuck knows.

Fertility Update

So we’ve had a lot going on lately with my parents visiting (I had not seen them in over a year and a half).  But we did manage to get some tests and doctors visits in while they were here and shortly after they left.

Backing up a little bit to the end of July.  I went in for a scheduled Hysterosalpingogram (HSG).  This is an x-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there are no obstructions, uterus shape problems, no blockage.  Basically to make sure everything is like it’s supposed to be.

A lot of folks say this is scary and it hurts.  It was scary, but afterwards I realized there was nothing to be scared about.  It did hurt a little, but not worse than normal period cramps. 

My RE talked through the whole thing and explained what we were seeing as my uterus and tubes filled with dye.  It was interesting to see.

Fast-forward to this last two weeks, I had a phone consult, we ordered more blood work (7 ginormous vials of blood were taken).   Yesterday, we finally had a consult to discuss some of the blood work and the HSG.  The HSG was not much to worry about.  I do have a dip in the top of my uterus.  I can have surgery to smooth that out, but it is not necessary unless perfectly healthy babies start dying in my womb.  We also discussed one of my tests that came back.

This test was a repeat.  Back in June we tested my Anti-Müllerian hormone (AMH).  Normal is anything 1.5 and above.  Mine was a .65.  So not good.  The new test results were worse, .22.

My RE is still positive that we can have a successful pregnancy, but believes that it would be best to take Clomid again to increase the chances of releasing a healthy egg and hoping that a healthy egg gets fertilized.

It seems, from what I’ve read about others experiences, that once you have such a low AMH, the next step is IVF.  But since I don’t have problems getting pregnant and because I ovulate regularly with a regular cycle, the RE isn’t keen on IVF yet.

A part of yesterday’s consult, I had another ultrasound in which they just checked for cysts or any other abnormalities before starting Clomid.  We did get to see the egg that would be released this ovulation cycle, so that was kind of cool.  Would be awesome if something came of it.

The doctor side of all this is tough enough, but it all comes with the mental and emotional parts that are just so hard to deal with sometimes.

Ever have those days..

where you just feel broken?  I'm having one of those today.  I think it might be because of the upcoming possible opportunities to fix what I've always felt was broken in me.  A job, a career, etc.

We're coming up on the end of the waiting period after my last miscarriage.  As much as I want to try again, I'm terrified that if/when I do become pregnant again, that I will miscarry...again.  It also doesn't help that I keep finding out about sooo many people who are due right around when my last one was supposed to be due.

Also, my dream job has become available here.  It's probably a fat chance that I'll get it.  But just the pressure of applying for it and doing everything perfectly, and then being denied. Again.  Being told that I am not good enough...again...it's just painful.

I start getting these feelings every year about this time, and they just increase until my birthday, when, another year has gone by and nothing that I've dreamed for and strived for all the previous year has happened. No job; can't afford a house; no babies because for some reason my body is broken; can't lose weight because I'm just too broken to stick with anything.

I have started having little mini panic attacks wondering if any of my dreams will ever come true or if I'll forever be left wanting.

October...

It's my birthday month, y'all!

Plus Size Running Gear - Warm Weather Edition

As you could tell from this post, it's hard for bigger gals to find cute workout clothes or even proper sports related workout clothes and still feel good about them and yourself while you try your hardest out there.

I'm definitely not an expert workout/running gear and I haven't found everything I need yet, but for a beginner who wants to be serious, this is what's working for me.

- I just got this top a couple weeks ago, and it quickly became a favorite.

The top part fits nicely (although I never trust a built in sports bra from old navy) and the bottom flows nicely over and hides my gut.  I wanted the pretty blue one too, but I'm hopefully not going to be this size much longer, so I resisted.

- These pants.

I'm actually having a love/hate relationship with these right now.  So comfy, decently flattering, great for....sitting on my ass and wanting to feel sporty.  However, they need a draw string or something because they constantly slide down when I run and FORGET something like a workout video.  They become ankle warmers with the quickness.  I have two different sizes and neither one stays up to well until I get a good sweat going.  I got them because they weren't super long and had pockets. But they are mainly what I have right now.

-Old Navy no longer has my non compressiony plain ol workout tops.  I have several in long and short sleeve.  Similar to this one, but these have some cotton. 

- Favorite pants that I got at walmart.

These are not the exact ones, but as close as I could find (mine have annoying zipper pockets).  I love these because they at least have pockets and a drawstring which helps keep them up.  I actually use to hate these pants when all I was doing was walking, because the materials was sticky feeling.  But when running, I've come to realize that the stickiness is a good thing.

- These shoes are the best I've ever put on.

I have this exact pair and LOVE them.  They are very supportive, so much so that I've never been too sore from running and have yet to get a blister from them (knock on wood).  Can't say enough about them.  So great!

-Smartwool Phd run socks.

Just recently tried these, and now I understand the importance of wicking socks.  For some reason when wearing these I can lace my shoes tighter, giving me more support and improving quality of the way my legs feel after a run all together.

- These compression socks.

Yes I look funny wearing them and it's a workout in itself to get them on and off, but they are great.  So far I've been using them after runs for recovery and love them.  Keeps my legs warmer longer and I don't get so stiff and tight afterwards.

- Energy chews.

I don't eat before I run (but I'm thinking about starting to now that it's getting cooler) and about halfway through my runs I started getting dizzy, seeing black spots, and feeling overall faint.  I tried bring these with me and they helped me A LOT.  I only need one square (30 cal) to get me through my run.

-water bottle

I'm a mouth breather when I run.  Which means my mouth gets dry.  I'm also beginning to sweat a lot (not normal for me) and have found that I need water to help me not feel like I'm dying out there.  With the warmer temps, this really helps.  I also put my keys and chews in the little outside pocket and that really helps.  I didn't want one of those hydration belts or a camel back type of thing because I don't like things touching me.  So this is perfect.

-I'm still on the hunt for a good sports bra and I'm currently using ones that I bought over 10 YEARS ago from target.  I was a lot smaller then and they're old now.  I've been searching and have even gone and tried on ones at Lane Bryant (Old Navy sports bras don't appear to be...very supportive?) but I've had no luck so far.  I've heard of people having luck at Walmart getting cute supportive sports bras, but I haven't had that luck yet.

- Last but not least, these two apps.  C25k and 10k Free.  And if I can do this, anyone can.  No excuses.

Wooohoooo

It's the small victories (doubt this would count for most people).

Finally, my period has started!

Who gets excited about that?  Evidently I do!

After my first miscarriage, it took 4 weeks for my period to start again.  Normally, one would think that a good thing, not having to deal with a period.  But for me it's just anxiety.  It means I'm not back to "normal" again yet.

I knew it would be different with this miscarriage because it was more involved.  At four weeks after, I was just ready for it to start..and being that the second MC was more involved, I knew it would take longer.

But, 5 weeks to the date. Here it is.

Who knew...

that jacked up purple big toe nails were going to be somewhat like a badge of honor for me.

(*toenails appear darker purple in person)

Evidently that makes me a runner now?  Or at least on my way to being one.

It's the small victories.

I'm thankful...

for the opportunities to create and earn for myself.

(Remember this is from my perspective)

We recently hung out with a couple, who to us, have been given everything.  He had a trust fund.  They were basically given a house.  She was given a job that her father created especially for her.  And a pregnancy fell in their laps.

They haven’t had to work hard and really earn much at all on their own.

Through many different conversations with them, it is obvious that they think mostly of solutions that involve money.  They don’t understand real life situations.  They don’t understand reality.  They don’t understand why some people can’t do what they can.  They have no empathy and cannot sympathize with anyone else’s situation.

For this reason, I am thankful that I have had to work for everything I have and will have.  I think it makes me a more well-rounded person.  I think I am better for it.

Plus, they just come of as douches.

I prayed...

to God today.

(and if you know me, that’s something I don’t normally do.)

I prayed that He would take away my pain.  That He would let me know one way or another if I was going to have children and to help me accept His decision.

What brought this about?  If you remember a few posts back I wrote about how difficult it was some days.  How I would just cry at the slightest reminder that I’m NOT having a baby, despite being pregnant twice.

Today was one of those days.  Someone I use to, kind of know is pregnant.  With her 3^rd child.  On top of that, someone we know now, didn’t even want kids, was on birth control, and has been drinking like a fish, wound up pregnant, and we hung out with them this weekend.  Both of them, as well as I don’t even know how many other people, are expecting…the worst part…they are all due the same month I was.

It’s emotionally draining.  It’s hard.  And sometimes, I just don’t know how to deal…especially with no sign of my cycles even starting again after my last miscarriage (Who WANTS their fucking period??).

I just don’t know how to deal today.

A Letter to...

all those who produce and sell activewear (actually this is more of a rant).

Dear Folks,

I've been fat my entire life.  I once was thin enough to just go into a store and buy something off the rack.  However, I didn't get that way in a healthy manner.  I know that my being overweight is not your problem and that it is my fault (although I recently found out that it's because I don't eat enough, not of the right things, but in general), but I do believe you can help me.  I've actually written to several of you years ago, asking why you did not have a plus size line (at all and definitely not in store).  I actually got a response from Nike, saying that their marketing team was working on it.  Evidently it didn't pan out, because that was EIGHT years ago.

I'm just wondering, do you not understand how hard it is for us bigger girls to find something decent to work out in.  Oversized t-shirts and baggy pants don't make a person feel good (unless they get that way form weight loss).  Here's a little notion I have learned from my experience in teaching and from my studies on student motivation, if you make a student feel good about themselves, they get motivated, and these generally leads to success, or at least improvement.

See the connection here?  If you produce clothes that us bigger folks can wear and we feel good about ourselves/cute, I can almost guarantee you, that there will be a lot more success stories for weight loss.

So check this out, this is the normal process for buying clothes for me.  Step one: Scour the internet for something decent.  Step two: think about whether or not it might work for my body type.  Step three: go back and forth on whether or not to actually order it.  Step five: decide not to place an order.  Step six: place an order, pay for shipping, and wait not so patiently while the week or more passes until your order arrives.  In the meantime, build up hope and expectations that what you ordered is going to look amazing and make you want to get out the door and go run.  Step seven: receive and open package, try everything on, realize that more than half of it doesn't work, you've either ordered the wrong size, or it just doesn't work, and waste more time and money sending it back and (if you're motivated) reordering more. Step eight: wait another week or more for your reordered goods to arrive.  Maybe something actually worked this time?  By now, at least two, if not three weeks have passed and my motivation is gone and I feel like crap because I couldn't get what I needed because your clothes don't fit my body.  Makes a person sad and unmotivated.

Scenario when I can find a store that always carries my size:  Decide I need something.  Go to store.  Try it on, try one other sizes.  Either buy, or go to the next store.  There's a lot less anticipation and let down in this version.  I've noticed that I seem to be less unhappy about things if I can get some instant knowledge as to whether or not your product will work for me.

I have never understood why companies like Nike and Adidas (and other sports brands) do not have a plus size line.  Just think, a bigger person is a customer longer, they would buy a variety of products. Some people would probably go from a big plus size like a 3x (or bigger) all the way down to like a M/L in your regular sizes. Image how much more money you can make.  A regular size gal might jsut walk in and be like, "Oh, I have all this already" and leave.  A bigger gal is going to be like, "HOLLY SHIT, I need all of this" and spend more money.


You're missing an opportunity here folks.
Fatty trying to lose a pound.

P.S. -  I have found that Old Navy and Lane Bryant do have a decent plus sized activewear line.  However, like most Lane Bryant cloths, you have to be an amazon woman to wear them.


Old Navy's line is much better and I have purchased quite a few items from their line: 5 or more cotton/spandex shirts, two pair of shorts (same style/color, different sizes), two pair of capris (same style/color, different sizes), and three compression/built in sports bra tops.

Before buying these clothes, I always felt like butt when I worked out.  I'd wear a T-shirt that would show my gut when I raised my arms and baggy shorts.  I felt like crap and couldn't stay motivated.

Now that I've bought these clothes, I've stayed more motivated and have almost completed the C25k program with plans to keep running, and have also lost over 20 pounds.  I still have a long way to go, but it's a start.  I feel better about myself and love that I don't have to worry about looking like a walmart rag-a-muffin when I'm trying to make my fat cry.

P.S.S.- Dear Old Navy,
Please get some more activewear styles and colors.  Also, work on those sports bras. Is anyway actually buying those?

Meal Plan Woes...

I've never been adventurous with with.  I've usually been ok eating the same thing, over, and over, and over, again.  But when I started this meal plan that the nutritionist gave us back in February, it got boring quick.

First, I wasn't use to eating so much and second, how do you fit all that in, under calories, and meat all the requirements listed...and still have variety? As a vegetarian...a bad vegetarian (I am not a fan of tofu and I hate mushrooms).

So here's what I'm working with (it's a total of 15 pages, but I am only including the ones that are relevant to me).

This is a 1200 calorie meal plan, as you can see at the top, the dietician dropped me to 1100.  You can also see some of the other notes, like under II, I'm doing option B and at the bottom under big B, I'm doing two supplements.

I have done some experimenting and have found that the Cystosport has fewer calories and more protein, so that's the one that we use.

I'm a vegetarian, that cuts out most of this stuff.

Where do you fit dairy in??

So far, my solution to this has been....

over and over again, with some variation in fruits and vegetables.

I'm bored with it and will never be able to continue to eat this way. HELP!


Edit:
I will eat eggs, dairy, and some seafood.  I've been trying to eat less processed foods in general, so trying to stay away from the boca burgers, although that's my go-to right now.

I will try just about any veggie, but these are the ones I've been eating and liking:

spinach

artichoke/hearts

bamboo shoots

broccoli

cabbage

carrots

cauliflower

celery

cucumber

eggplant

onions of any kind

greens

red bell peppers

salad greens

spinach

sprouts of any kind

summer squash

swiss chard

tomatoes

and from the limit-it list:

corn

potatoes

sweet potatoes

And I'm working on liking these:

asparagus

brussel sprouts

But, in the spirit of eating clean and healthy, I'm willing to try anything (but not mushrooms)!

10 years ago this month...

I met the most amazing person I have ever met.  This week (we’re not sure of the exact date, but it was a –teenth), 10 years ago, Ed and I started dating.

I don’t remember much about the night we met.  I do remember that he was the most respectful guy I had ever met in college.  I had just returned from a more than a yearlong stay in Germany.  I was thin, had really short hair, and a crazy dark tan.  I was visiting one of my best friends who was staying with her boyfriend at his fraternity house over the summer.  We were in their room and I heard someone come through the main hall entrance.  Since the fraternity was pretty small, I knew just about everyone so I stuck my head out to see who was there.

I saw this really cute guy walk to the T in the hall.  I didn’t know him, so I went back in the room.  Moments later, he was there introducing himself.  At some point that day/night we took a picture together (we may have had a few).  Ed tells the story a little differently, but you’d have to ask him for his version.

Sorry for the crappy quality, it's a picture of a picture.

I still have this picture framed in our bedroom.

We ended up staying up til the wee hours of the morning just talking.  That was something I had never done before (I’ve never been much of a talker).  A week later, I was riding with him from Jackson, MS to Champaign, IL so that he could help his family move.  A week or so after that, we were dating.

We went back to IL (Chicago) not long after that first trip, maybe in October? December? Not real sure.  I just remember that he had a little too much to drink and he asked me to marry him.  I told him to hush, that he was drunk.  He told me that he would remember this tomorrow.

The next morning, he grinned at me and said that he remembered what he had asked.

Our life together has had some rough spots.  We’ve been through a lot of loss and heartache.  But we’ve always been there for each other.  He has always been there for me. 

Most couples would not have survived some of the rough times that we have been through.  We’ve lived apart several times to further our educations and also for work.  Ed lost his father right before I moved to Mississippi to teach.  We both have family issues to work through.  We struggle financially because I can never get a job where Ed gets one.  And now, on top of all our other pains, we’re dealing with back-to-back miscarriages and the pain and heartache that comes with that.  We continue to be under a tremendous amount of stress that never seems to let up.

Through it all, there is no one I would rather have by my side. 

I could never put into words, just how much I love this boy and how much he means to me.  I would be completely lost without him.  He understands me.  He gets me.  He knows when my crying is from hurt or anger.  He is the only person who has always been there for me, no matter what, even when he was hurting too.  I feel like the luckiest person in the world when I'm with him.

So to the first ten years, the next ten years, and many more!

I love you Bottom!